fuck you.
No matter how positive I am, I won’t be happy and there’s nothing I can do about it.
I can’t choose just to be happy if I want because I have a chemical imbalance called depression.
And “surrounding myself with the right type of people” doesn’t make a difference. There is not one person on this planet who can magically make my depression disappear.
It doesn’t work like that.
Why don’t people understand that?
I was driving home from school and I was listening to hit songs–you know like the pump it up, party, dance, type songs, like Die Young by Ke$ha etc etc
And I started to sob.
Here I am on a beautiful Monday morning, finished with class for the day, listening to fun music, and driving with my sunglasses on and the wind blowing my hair; I couldn’t seem to force out a smile.
I realized that something is missing. I randomly started missing people who haven’t been in my life in months. I realized I’m screwing everything up.
I don’t know how to fix it.
I can’t tell anyone I’m sad; I don’t know why I’m sad.
But everyone thinks I’m doing so fucking spectacular and I don’t want them to think otherwise.
I’m at a loss… for everything.
Death is some peoples’ greatest fear and they can’t wrap their heads around the fact that it doesn’t scare me.
depression=realism
but I didn’t get into that.
The less people know about me here, the better.
This baby… This family… Changed everything.
Whenever I think of just giving up and ending everything, I think of my three little princes. I don’t want Jordan growing up without knowing his big sister. It would break my heart if any of them ever went through a hard time and thought “well if my big sister can give up, why can’t I?”
All this time I had this empty space… I wanted to feel loved. I wanted to fall in love. God works in mysterious ways.
I am so in love with my boys and the rest of my incredible family.
They saved my life and someday I’m going to tell them this story.
Nobody tried to find me.
I’m sitting alone and no one knows where I am. My body feels numb and I don’t want to move. I don’t want to exist.
I. Am. So. Alone.
I can’t sleep. I don’t want to wake up.
I hate Sunday nights.
I hate thinking.
I hate feeling this way.
if you haven’t seen it yet, here’s the link
