No matter how positive I am, I won’t be happy and there’s nothing I can do about it.
I can’t choose just to be happy if I want because I have a chemical imbalance called depression.
And “surrounding myself with the right type of people” doesn’t make a difference. There is not one person on this planet who can magically make my depression disappear.
It doesn’t work like that.
Why don’t people understand that?
I was driving home from school and I was listening to hit songs–you know like the pump it up, party, dance, type songs, like Die Young by Ke$ha etc etc
And I started to sob.
Here I am on a beautiful Monday morning, finished with class for the day, listening to fun music, and driving with my sunglasses on and the wind blowing my hair; I couldn’t seem to force out a smile.
I realized that something is missing. I randomly started missing people who haven’t been in my life in months. I realized I’m screwing everything up.
I don’t know how to fix it.
I can’t tell anyone I’m sad; I don’t know why I’m sad.
But everyone thinks I’m doing so fucking spectacular and I don’t want them to think otherwise.
I’m at a loss… for everything.
Death is some peoples’ greatest fear and they can’t wrap their heads around the fact that it doesn’t scare me.
but I didn’t get into that.
The less people know about me here, the better.
Nobody tried to find me.
I’m sitting alone and no one knows where I am. My body feels numb and I don’t want to move. I don’t want to exist.
I. Am. So. Alone.
I can’t sleep. I don’t want to wake up.
I hate Sunday nights.
I hate thinking.
I hate feeling this way.
if you haven’t seen it yet, here’s the link